Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference this morning, Facebook rolled out their new monthly service plan. Beginning November 1st of this year, the social media giant will start charging members $2.99/mo to use services that users currently enjoy for free. “We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we had no choice but to add this monthly fee,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about our rising costs now, Facebook could face an unrecoverable financial burden and become obsolete.” “This is excellent news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Dale Sackrider. “As of August this year, Facebook had a total of 1.317 billion users. If just 75% of those members pay the new monthly service fee of $3, that will mean an annual influx of cash totaling roughly $36 billion. That’s not just an increase in profits of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”
In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the new monthly fee. “Economic times are tight, the ads on Facebook are not as profitable as we had planned. Our costs are going up as hundreds of thousands of individuals continue to join the site every day,” Horner said. “There’s so many pictures of cats, and all of those costs add up, we just can’t foot the bill any longer.” Jack Phillips from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters that he is not happy with Facebook’s decision to implement a new monthly fee. “I can barely pay for my girly subscriptions as it is, now this Zuckerberg character wants another $3 a month out of me? Well I don’t think so bud,” Phillips said. “There’s free news out there that I get all my learning from, like The Epoch Times. I know their stories are not real, some fancy word called ‘satirical’, but they makes me laugh. Sure, their grammar and spelling is just God-awful, but I like that; it makes me feel smarter.” Phillips continued, “As for this monthly fee though, I do like using Facebook. That Farmville game on there cracks me up. Hey, look at me, I’m planting some carrots in a field around my kick *ss barn. My friends just love it when I contact them about planting my crops. They’re like, ‘Dangit Jack, you and your gosh dang crops’, I’ll tell you what.” Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook. “Charging people to use Facebook means there won’t be as many heathens on the site to help stay off the Devil’s playground. Personally, I like Facebook because it helps me promote my side business of making personalized video greetings. Those videos are good, clean fun for the whole family, and they also help pay for my anger management and sex offender classes. Praise Fappy
Horner told reporters of an option for those who can’t afford the new monthly fee. “Here at Facebook we value each and every one of our members. We do not want to see anyone delete their account just because they cannot afford the monthly fee,” Horner said. “For those who can’t manage the cost, we’ve made it real simple. In a new status update, copy and paste the words, ‘I AM POOR FACEBOOK PLEASE WAIVE MY MONTHLY FEE’. Make sure you include the hashtag #FacebookMonthlyFee. This will inform the Facebook billing department to waive any fees associated with your account. Unfortunately for free users, access to all Facebook games will no longer be available.” Horner continued, “There’s also a free option which will allow you access to your Facebook account for up to one hour a week, exceeding that will cost $0.49/minute. I think you can agree that it is extremely important to find the right Facebook plan for you!” Shares of Facebook closed Monday at 76.80, up 1.11 (1.42%). To order your monthly subscription please call the 24-hour Facebook hotline at (785) 273-0325. Discounts are available to those who pay for an entire year at once.