Indian Mujahideen…Seems Bheri, Bheri Indian


Indian Mujahideen (also known by the pet name of I.M) is a pan-India organization that was founded in the literature of the Indian political aristocracy and its brotherly bureaucracy a few years ago. Soon after birth this child was adopted by the Indian media, and ever since has been seen on TV off and on.

Various theories exist as to who founded this, when that was, where it runs from, who runs it etc. Nobody knows anything for sure, but everybody knows they are bad people.

Though a practicing muslim myself, and reasonably studied, I could not find much Islam in them. But as a born Indian, how could I miss the complete Indian-ness of it all? Here are some of them:

Inke Kitne Naam?: Indian Mujahideen are also said to be the same as Lashkar-e-Taiba. Sometimes also seen as part of Jaish-e-Mohammed….Some also say it is the old SIMI…..Some say it is still the same SIMI under a new leadership….Oh my, so many names. Just like any Indian. One for the school and one for the mom, one for the email and one for the girl-friend.

Love for Crowded Places: IM folks love crowded areas, like so many of us.. Markets are the fave spots. Now you may ask how can they ‘secretly’ place a bomb in a crowded market? Abe, chup ! Baath kartha hai?

Love for Vegetables: Though any crowded market would do for a target, the usual ones are vegetable markets. IM bhais love creating chaos in vegetable markets. BTW 43 pc of all the fights in Indian movies happen in vegetable markets, from Bollywood to Tollywood.

Love for 2-Wheelers: Most bombs are placed on bicycles or scooters….800cc cars are so cheap and common in India, but will not be used by IM bhais. They are ‘aam-aadmi’ kind of terrorists, you see.

Respect for the Police: For any terrorist orgs in the world the police are prime targets. But not for IM. They have even attacked the Indian Parliament, but never even a police shack anywhere. In India, even the toughest dada respects the skinniest police constable. IM bhais are no exception.

Choose the Muhurat: IM bhais choose auspicious times to place the bombs. No, not the solar or lunar calendar, you silly. I mean, the political calendar. The best times are when an election is in the offing (bhavishya). Or some party is in big trouble over some silly news of a billion-dollar scam (varthamaan). Or someone comes claiming he is the son of a neta who slept with a whore years ago (bhootha). Don’t know who their jyothishi is, but IM bhais know the science..

Love for Story-Telling: Operations of Mossad or CIA take years and decades to be known or seen in print. If ever, that is. But our IM guys simply love telling stories. Why not? Born in a land of panch-tantras and puranas, they craft elaborate emails before the attacks, with full details of what is to be done, why etc. I love those stories.

Love for Religion: These mails will contain suitable references from Quran to prove that IM bhais believe in a superior god. And will also tell the hindus how bad and ugly their gods are …Well, in India can anything can be discussed without bringing gods into it…?

Always Late: The venerable security apparatus of India, with great pains and effort, has always managed to warn us of the next bomb blast. But the fumbling IM guys never get it done on time. We have had to wait for weeks, even months in some cases, to see the predicted blasts actually happen. IM guys are not punctual even in such important matters; so Indian, you see.

Police Comes After the Villain is Gone: But once the blast is done, the identification time is typically two hours, by when the police can give full details of who did it, the colour of the bag that contained the bomb, and also show you the panwalah who met them on the way to the vegetable market. Alas, in 40 years and across 40,000 movies in 14 languages, in India the villain always gives the slip just before the police comes.

BPO Orders Are Welcome: Now remember that IM is a new-age creature, and hence it manages business like any corporate company. IM bhais have accepted orders from even outside India. Wanna blast a bomb in Mumbai? Just tell us! How can anybody be Indian these days without doing BPOs and outsourcing?

I am sure there may be more proofs of their Indian-ness than I could recollect here. It all depends on how Indian the audience itself is. And as a final note I would say this:

Indian Mujahideen may be a failed outfit in jihad, but is one hell of a success as a fully-Indian organization. The bureaucracy can be proud of its invention.

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